Friday, May 15, 2015

The Moment I Knew I Was Slowly Killing Myself

Here is the deal. I am not suicidal in any way. I believe life is beautiful, and I want to live every moment to the fullest. But I was just hit hard with a tough reality. I am slowly killing myself and causing my body harm. That may sound dramatic when you see what this post is really about, especially with self-harm and suicide such a struggle in America today, I would even say teens have idealized it as the 'cool' thing to be troubled in that way. But the facts are facts.

It started, like it usually does, with the scale. I have been sitting around for the last several months (realistically I have ALWAYS suffered body image problems ((and even had a touch of anorexia as a teen, luckily it never escalated to an uncontrollable level)) and probably always will have body image problems because of the society I live in) but the last several months have been the worst because I have actually been looking at the "overweight" for my height line. It's a few steps away from me. I'll say it, I weigh 145 at 5'5" and I'm sure it is all body fat.

Now, while the struggle started at the scale, I can't say the solution did. I don't really care what I weigh. Society is now teaching me that curves are beautiful (to an unhealthy point, but that is a different post) and luckily I have enough self confidence to never skip a meal because of weight again. Yet, food is my drug. It is my go to. I am a self-diagnosed emotional eater. And it works. Because as a working mom of a threenager who goes to school too, I have A LOT of emotions. All of that stress is not only unavoidable, I ASKED FOR IT. I want an education, I wouldn't trade my threenager for the world, and working part time feeds my soul it's independence.

Okay, enough background: the realization. I have for so long blamed my severe migraines, fatigue, irritability and all other negative symptoms I am experiencing on my stress and lack of sleep. But, I am off school and work and have been sleeping more than ever the past couple of weeks, and I still feel the same groggy foggy feeling. WHY!?

I am unhealthy. Unhealthy through and through. I don't get any cardio activity, I fill my body with preservatives and chemicals the fast food companies call food, and my water is brown and caffeinated (coffee, I only drink coffee).

In my world I have unlimited access to fresh produce, an internet to tell me 1000 different ways to cook that produce, and cool fresh water that comes out of a button on my fridge.


I am limiting myself in so many ways that it actually makes me sick to think about and try to wrap my mind around (or is that the grease covered french fries settling in my stomach from lunch?). I am stuffing my body full of the worst kind of poison, poison that tricks you into thinking it tastes good. I am ignoring all the signals my body has been sending, begging me for help.

Luckily, I am young-ish (although I wonder how many years I have lost due to chemicals and preservatives) and my body will hopefully bounce back quickly from this.

I plan on drinking a ton of water daily. My goal to do this is to finish a cup before I set it down, instead of casually sipping and forgetting I have it and reaching for something less healthy in a thirst battle. I plan on snacking healthy all day to fight the intense hunger cravings I know I'll get if I don't. And I also want to skip fast food for a whole week straight. Just a week. See if I can even do it.

Who is with me to fight the slow death of convenience?